The mucky black hole.

All of my bloggings thus far (a whole whopping 2.. HA) have been excerpts from my journal... that way I can sit on them for a few days and not "blog in haste"..... please excuse my expressions..  so in light of that, please read the following.

DISCLAIMER: these are things I feel. and struggle with in my heart. I share them, so that others struggling might see the truth I see. I do not claim them to be absolute truth (absolute truth is found in the Bible), merely my heart towards them. they  may make no sense to you personally.. I don't really  mind. 

oh, and sometimes, I feel REALLY yucky inside... for no dumb reason.

Excerpt from Nov. 23:

oh golly. oh golly. oh golly. oh golly.

Truly I feel like that is all I can say. 

Truly inside of myself I FEEL like a selfish, stupid, and irritating small child.

Truly I want to be anywhere but where I am. There is such a torrent of ugly emotions coursing through me at this moment... 

Discontent,

 being the most prominent I think. 

4 Sentences..

In those four sentences, there were 8 pronouns referring to Lauren. 

Eight pronouns all saying, "woe is me."

Sometimes.. I am pathetic. 

Sitting in my room in the aftermath of my 18th birthday. 

Beautiful gifts. 

Thoughtful cards. 

Brand new clothes. 

And I have the gall to be discontent?

How dare I?

How dare I receive and not be utterly thankful. 

How dare I mope on my bed because I have no one to text and nothing to do. 

How dare I look through the fridge and think that there is nothing to eat, when there isn't a single space to fit MORE food. 

How dare I ask of God, receive abundantly from God, and not say that I have everything I need. 

It is epidemic. 

It is disgusting. 

And it is wrong. 

Sometimes, (and don't take this wrong)

I think that people who have incredibly LESS physical possessions than I do, but who have Jesus, are better off than I am. 

Because, I fully believe that they are richer in the kingdom of heaven. 

They trust God to provide, when for me, provision was never even a question.

Words like, persecution and starvation were always far away with no relevance to me. 

I didn't realize how capable I am of being starved myself. 

Of how capable I am of not realizing the true value of the kingdom of heaven and the worth of Jesus. 

and while living in that starvation of truth, losing life. 

Oh precious life. 

Because, I think.. when you realize Jesus,

when you realize the God of the Universe, 

when you realize the Holy Spirit, and even better, 

when you realize that you get to be on HIS team. 

the victorious team. 

I think that in light of that, contentment must follow. 

but sometimes its hard, 

one must CHOOSE either to walk in truth, or mope inside a self-dug hole of sticky, mucky, black, and almost inescapable discontent.

(which.. quite frankly, I have often chosen)

But how much better would it be, if we... if I, recognized my discontent at the moment of its conception.

Found its cause.

And silenced it. 

With a big hearty dose of'

"Jesus is God, and the King is on His throne."

but really. 

Discontent and self-pity, 

They are chains. 

Let's let Jesus throw them off of us. 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Phil. 4:12

Jesus gave me this great day a few days after I originally wrote this. 

I wish I could share with you how great it was. 

I learned how to long board. 

He gives GOOD gifts. 

whether they be really big, or small inconsequential little joyous happenings, like this outing. 

The Freedom Project

Alright folks.
I realize... quite fully, that there is no real reason for me to blog.... I live in the same town I've grown up in my whole life... I don't have loads of cray cray stories... and I definitely don't think that very many people will read this. I'm just your usual, kind of emotional, pretty much psycho, teenage girl. but... I do love Jesus... and sometimes, Jesus gives us things. Really really good things. Things that should be shared and told, to testify of HIS glory. so this, that I am about to share... is something He gave me. Something that changed me, and changed the way I live forever.

A few months ago.... January of 2012 I think... my Bible teacher assigned the class a project.. he called it the freedom project, and it could be anything. It simply had to define what freedom meant to us. and in that specific time in my life... I was walking in complete and utter bondage. Granted, tragedy and bondage in one person looks different than tragedy and bondage in another. I fully realize that tragedy in my life probably looks pathetic to someone else who has endured unimaginable pain. But I think that is one of the things that I adore most about Jesus. He meets us, where we are at. He doesn't tell us we are pathetic. He tells us he loves us. and then fixes us, when we let him. So the following, was my freedom project.

The Freedom Project

What is freedom?

Is freedom a feeling?

No. 

Freedom is a lifestyle. 

Freedom means no longer bound. 

By ANYTHING.

no longer bound by fear. 

no longer bound by hurt. 

no longer bound by self-pity. 

no longer bound by anger. 

and no longer bound by jealousy. 

but if that’s what freedom is….

Then I am not free.

Because every day I struggle against 

fear, hurt, self-pity, anger, and jealousy. 

Every day I struggle against the bonds 

of my own decrepit heart.

EVERY DAY. 

Betcha didn’t know. 

You see as girls, we’re so often told that we are “too much”

too emotional. 

too dramatic. 

too sensitive. 

we cry too much. 

we get hurt too much. 

But… you know what I realized?

We are not too much. 

I am not too much. 

Because Jesus made me. 

Jesus knows me. 

And those complex feelings and emotions that run all the way through me and are imbedded in me…. 

Well he made those too. 

And Jesus doesn’t make “too much”

Jesus makes perfect. 

And though corrupted by the fall so that those emotions once thought beautiful are now considered ugly, a thing of shame, and to be hidden, they are intended to be filled with the Spirit of the Holy Living God. 

Made perfect in His fire

For He is the core of me. 

I feel things in the very core of me. 

Ergo, 

I am not too much. 

And what I have thought my whole life is a lie. 

A LIE.

from hell. 

from Satan. 

and knowing the truth. 

well that’s freedom.

Knowing that Jesus alone can fill my heart. 

THAT is freedom. 

Here’s the reality. 

Every girl comes into this world broken. 

Inside is a need to be loved, cherished, and protected. 

A NEED. 

A NECESSITY. 

Do you get that? 

and how badly we hurt if we don’t have that? 

……

Girls look to boys to fill that hole. 

I look to boys to fill that hole. 

or I used to. 

Jesus is healing my heart. 

The only way a woman will every become complete is if Jesus becomes King of her heart. 

There is no man on earth that can fill that hole. 

Just Jesus. 

Just the God of the Universe. 

He fills the deepest longings of my heart and soul. 

He gives me life abundant. 

He tells me He loves me 

and offers to fight my battles for me. 

He gives me laughter when I want to mourn. 

He sets beauty before my eyes 

when this world is so ugly to me. 

He lets me be a vulnerable little girl 

who just wants to sit with her Daddy. 

Because sometimes, all I can say, is

“God, I hurt.”

So right now, 

in my life, 

walking in this truth. 

That is freedom. 

And I’m going to chase it.