Why I'm A Princess.

IDENTITY.

Who am I?

My identity is found in the fact that I am a daughter of God.
My honor.
My value.
My princess-ship.
My authority.
and my protection.
Is all bound up in the reality, the truth, that my Dad is the King of the Universe.

Story time: Imagine the princess in a huge stone castle, with ivy colored walls, and secret gardens. She was born into that life because her father was, and is, the King of the land. It had nothing to do with her choosing it, or even the fact that she was a female.

Within the castle, the servants obey her, honor her, and serve her. Why?
Because of her father.

When she goes out into the towns and villages, not only do the guards protect her as if their very lives depended on it, but they also treat her with the utmost respect and gentleness. Why?
Because they know that if anything were to happen to her, their very lives are at stake.

She also, unlike anyone else, has direct access to the King. Her father is always delighted to see her, to hear from her, to just BE with her. Why?
Because she's His daughter.

I am a daughter of the King.
I deserve respect.
I deserve honor.
and I deserve to be valued.

In fact, I have all of those things.

I have them, because my Father in heaven loves me.

That's IT.

It's not because of anything I did.
It's not because of anything I will ever do.
It's not because of the way I do or even don't look.
It's not because I love Him (even though I really do.)
It's not because of ME. .

It. is JUST. God.

And those things I just listed, the things I do, the way I treat others, and the way I treat myself, those things are all affected vastly by the weight of my value in Christ Jesus.

I have this lovely picture of a princess in my mind.
She is full of grace. She is gentle and kind and good.
She knows who she is.
She knows that her father loves her, and she walks in the fullness of her position with honor, knowing the authority as well as the responsibility she has because of him.

One of my favorite movies is Ever After, and I have two favorite lines from it.

The first is what the prince says to Danielle,

"How do you live each day with this kind of passion? Don't you find it exhausting?"

(I just put that one in because I like it A LOT.)

The second, is what Danielle, a poor peasant, says to the prince, who is rejecting his responsibility:

"You have been born into privilege, and with that comes.. specific obligation."

As a daughter of the King, as a princess who wants to represent her Dad in the best way possible, I have a specific obligation to treat others with the grace and love my father has lavished upon me.

And here's the amazing thing.

My sister's in Jesus. They are ALL daughters of the King too.
They, we, are ALL deserving or respect, honor, and value, regardless of appearance or actions.
Just because HE loves us.

And we all have a specific obligation to treat each other with that same respect and honor.
To treat each other, as girls, as respected, valuable, and precious beings.
Because when we don't, when I don't, I am making a direct offense against my Father's daughter, and in doing so, a direct offense against HIM.

I want to walk worthy of my calling. and worthy of my "princess-ship".
Just. because. of my Father.

Ephesians 5:1-2a

"Therefore, be imitators of God as dear children. 

And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us..."

Healing... Let's not talk about that.

Well this is a bit of a touchy subject.
oh well.

another journal entry turned blog.
a bit of time has passed since this occurred... here goes.

"It was two days ago now.
I went to Starbucks to do homework.
(typical.)
and I noticed 2 guys doing BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) homework.
(also typical, that particular Starbucks usually has a number of Bethel students inside.)
At one point I had the spontaneous desire to go sit next to the both of them and tell them we should be friends....
I didn't.
but I wanted to.

anyways, after about an hour or two when they were getting up to leave, one of them came over to me and asked my name. it was one of those things that happens that doesn't surprise you. like you knew it was going to happen all along.

I told him my name and he proceeded to introduce himself as Jonah while he shook my hand. the name fit.

Then came what I didn't expect.

"Do you have pain in your back, neck and shoulders?" he asked.

(Disclaimer: I tell my mom almost every day that I wish my back would go away. For the past month I've been sleeping in our guest bed because of it. I go to the chiropractor and I've even gotten x-rays for it. It's pain that is completely bearable, but exhausting because it wouldn't go away. People who give me massages are always shocked by the knots in my shoulders.)

So. I just stared at him. Dumbfounded.
Then gave a slow, drawn out, nodding, "ye-es."

"How would you like to be healed?" he asked, grinning.

I mean. I shouldn't have been surprised. In Redding, you just hear stories about people asking other people if they have pain that they do or don't actually have. Then they ask to pray. I guess I never expected it to happen to me. and if I did, it would be pain that I definitely DIDN'T have. but this. this was pain that I definitely HAD. and I couldn't deny it, but I also had no idea how to respond to his question.

I, Lauren Hofer was at a loss. A loss to explain that I didn't think I had the faith to ask God to heal me even though I desperately wished I did. A loss to explain that I wondered if God was using my pain for a greater revelation of Himself in my life.

I tried to explain. It probably came out wrong.
In fact I know it came out wrong because we had a few moments of awkward discussion regarding God and where hard things and pain come from. Personally, I'm of the mindset that the hard and painful things in our lives COULD very well be from God, for Him to refine us and make us more like himself. Jonah, on the other hand was of the mindset that although God uses all things for our good, He doesn't send the hard things. A variance of opinion. oh well.

I ended by saying that I was totally down for getting prayed for. even though inside, something was amiss.

Now, looking back, I recognize my apprehension for what it was.
FEAR.

I was afraid of asking God to heal me, because I didn't think it would happen. I've sat on my bed thinking about that very thing numerous times. My own lack of faith to pray for healing.
And I was even MORE afraid of letting someone else pray for me because then I would have to publicly admit that God didn't heal me. and its not like I really NEEDED healing. my pain was bearable. so.... I might as well just not ask for it. right? that way I wouldn't have to deal with my faith issues. Its not that I believe God can't HEAL. Just not when I ask.

The other feeling.. was skepticism.. and even offense.
I was offended, because someone wanted to pray for healing in my body.
I was offended because he had complete faith for it while I didn't.
I was offended that God spoke to him on behalf of me.

Because I didn't recognize these emotions at the moment, I didn't realize the wrongness and hypocrisy I myself was displaying.

Jesus was always offending someone or other in the Bible. Jesus is, today, offensive to the complacent heart. I wanted to stay comfortably inside my little bubble where I didn't have to openly choose a side in the matter of whether or not Jesus still radically heals people on a normal day scenario sort of deal... its not even a matter of sides..

Its a matter of putting God in a box and saying He can or can't, does or doesn't do something. 

I have the smallest comprehension of who God is, so who am I to say whether or not he heals that way any more.

So Jonah,
he placed his hand on my back and prayed to Daddy God.
he prayed that the burdens I felt would fall off and symbolically he pulled something off of my shoulders.
he put his hand on my head and prayed in the name of Jesus that my  headaches would go away.

I never told him about the headaches.

he prayed that God would be doing things in my family.

I've been praying that God would be doing things in my family.

Then he said amen.

We talked for a bit more. Then he left. I was shaken.
So I've wrestled for the past two and a half days with my beliefs on healing.
This is all I know.
God IS, Jehovah Rophe, Healer.
He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.
I believe He speaks to us today.
and I believe however He sees fit, whenever He sees fit.
and that He loves to use His kids to do His work, to display His goodness and glory.

Listening to a message at my home church recently, the speaker said something this,

"Jesus heals bodies, so he can heal hearts."

I kind of personally wonder if the same could be said for,  "Jesus breaks bodies, so he can break hearts."
then when they cry out to him in agony of spirit. the first phrase applies again. I don't know.

but I do agree with the first statement. When we see miraculous works of God, we cannot help but be changed inside.

So what about my back?
Honestly, I've had inklings of headaches. but the tension knots. I havn't felt them since he prayed. I've been looking and waiting and feeling for the ache that's nearly always there, but it hasn't come.

Jonah (and my chiropractor too actually) said something along the lines of the following.

"Jesus paid the price for healing on the cross."

Jesus paid the price for wellness. When we were separated from God we were literally stuck with pain, but now we have boldness to enter the Holiest of Holies by a new and living way which He consecrated for us. We get to present our prayers and petitions to God. and He says that when we ask for anything in His name for His purpose and for the furtherance of His gospel. it will be give to us. Praise Jehovah Rophe."




Now, a week past. I am feeling some back pain, even though the tension knots are gone. I think more importantly, what God did. was heal me of my skepticism. He used a random guy (my brother actually) to teach me about Himself and heal my heart. and the burdens fell, just like Jonah prayed for.

I don't know how to title this.. so I don't think I will.

Tired. Weary. Spiritually exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
and on some days struggling to remember in my heart why I chose Jesus.
I think maybe the wording of that sounds worse than it was.... but still...
so in my struggle, I prayed this:

"Create in me a pure heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the JOY of YOUR salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."

Every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I prayed this verse over and over and over. Sometimes... most of the time even... it didn't necessarily "connect" with or "vibrate" in my soul. Most of the time when I was praying it I didn't feel very much. but I knew it was truth. I knew it was what I needed.

Purity of heart.
A steadfast spirit.
To be kept in the presence of the Lord.

I think part of me lived in fear that if I didn't do everything right, the Lord would take His Holy Spirit from me.

Having the JOY of His salvation RESTORED.
and being given a WILLING spirit to sustain me.

I think those things are some of the basic building blocks of spiritual health. and they were the things that I so strongly felt I was LACKING. I wasn't even sure what having the joy of His salvation restored would look like. but I prayed it. and I don't remember a time.. a day.. or even a week.. but suddenly it was there. A thankfulness. exuberance. peacefulness. and joyfulness. The cross suddenly became so dear to my heart. Jesus' sacrifice.  that He was and is my SAVIOR. words that had seemed to lose their effect seemed to grip my heart with awe and wonder. my Jesus. my Savior. my delight. The realization that my life is ALL for the glory of God who is and always will be the King of my heart.  And the Holy Spirit began to speak to me in crazy ways that I had not experienced. I felt that God had been refining me. Scraping the yuck and residue off of the insides of my heart so that I could be NEW.

Maybe right now you're wondering why I wrote all of that in the past tense...  like it isn't still happening.. I'll tell you.

PRIDE.

ugly. viscous. deceitful. detestable. pride.
oh, how I hate it.
I know the enemy is speaking lies to me, he wants to see my failure.
and so I struggle.
I struggle against thinking that I love Jesus "better" than other people.
I struggle against thinking that I have it all together and everybody loves ME a lot.
even thinking those makes me sick to my stomach and writing them where people can read makes me disgusted and want to vomit. but its real. and I think those things.. despite how much I hate them.

because the reality is that my heart without Jesus is black
without Him, I am a bad friend and bad daughter, who thinks she's better than other people.

I was discussing morals with a friend one day by a river and in minor disagreements I found myself getting frustrated... not even with her... just the differences. After getting up to leave. We went and stood in the river, held hands, and prayed. and something she said that has stayed with me is that whatever our differences were, we were both washed clean by the blood of Jesus.

WASHED so clean by the blood of Jesus.

It is the blood  of Jesus that washes me clean. The good in me is HIM.
He is ALL good.
His grace is sufficient for me,
For His power is made perfect in weakness.
and I want to spend every day, for all of my days, humbled at the foot of HIS cross.
where He payed the price for my heart's rebellion against Him.
Who does that?
Jesus Christ. 
Son of the Living God.
Powerful enough to create the world.
Strong enough to conquer death.
The winner of the battle.
Our strength as an army, as the body of Christ,
is in the fact that we are surrendered to the winner.
He already did it.

Just Look At Me

    Again, this is a journal entry from a few days ago that I thought I would share.
When I wrote it, I was sick, my physical pain was affecting my emotions and I was a mess.
and yes, I talk about emotions a lot. probably because I'm a girl... we seem to have a lot of those.

Journal entry from June 23:

I think that everyone has these moments. At least I hope I'm not the only one.
Those moments when the circumstance in my life seems too big and too unbearable.
overwhelming.
thinking about that now is funny to me because my life is so easy, but... I am a self proclaimed emotional teenage girl and so thus; these "emotional moments" as I deem them seem to come in spades.

God made me with emotions.
So I don't believe it is wrong to feel things like hurt and sadness.
The question that arises... in those moments and from them... is..
How do I deal with my emotion?

Yes. it's there.
but am I supposed to just leave it there?

sometimes I cry. sometimes I stare at the ceiling feeling hopeless and empty, sometimes I scream..
and yes, I scream those awful, vocal chord grinding screams that sicken the stomach. Those are often, sadly, my methods of choice for dealing with raw emotion.

I don't think.. in my heart.. that those methods would be my heavenly Father's chosen methods for me to deal with my emotion.

     Recently I watched the Jackie Robinson movie "42" (have I mentioned that I really like inspirational sports movies? because I do)  The movie revolves around the baseball career of the first African American man to play in the big leagues (forgive me sports enthusists if I get any facts wrong)  At one point during a baseball game, Jackie Robinson is up to bat, but the opposing teams manager is taunting him. Saying heinous and awful things, things that shouldn't be spoken or even thought, and after too long, even the usually thick skinned Jackie can't take it anymore. He's nearing a breaking point. The scene cuts to Jackie's wife sitting in the stands speaking quietly under her breath, 

        "Look at me baby, look at me."
Again she says it.
         "Look at me baby, just look at me."

   I think thats what Jesus says. In fact, I KNOW thats what He says because He has said it so many times to me.

         "Look at me Lauren. Take your eyes off your current circumstance and look at my eyes."

   Because for some reason, when I take my eyes off the situation before me that seems impossible, and place them of Jesus who is the King of overcoming the impossible, my situation gets smaller and Jesus gets bigger.

   In that moment, by the grace and strength of the Holy Spirit I have CHOSEN Jesus. Choosing Jesus is powerful because in choosing Him, we choose LIFE. and that allows Him to move in our lives. I mean... He'll move anyways, but its easier when our hearts aligns with His.  

    Jackie Robinson ran off the field. He screamed. He wept. He beat the walls around him with a baseball bat until it shattered, and yes, its just a movie, and who knows if anything like that even happened. but figuratively speaking, I wonder if Jackie HAD looked at his wife, and found solace, security, and strength in her eyes, would he have been able to continue without his emotion completely overtaking him....

I wonder.. if I looked at Jesus MORE.

would my "emotional moments" be less often, less painful, and less overwhelming.

I wonder.. if I looked af Jesus MORE, would my emotions become emotions that are FROM God.. filled by the Holy Spirit. 

How AMAZING would that be. 

I don't know...

but I do know.. 

that looking at Jesus is better. 

Its better than better. 

Its the BEST. 

and it gives life. 

Radical Honesty.

   Something that has been on my heart and mind. What would my life look like if I lived radical honesty. The sort of honesty that obliterates darkness' and evil's ability to rule and reign in my life. The kind of honesty that is only attainable through trust in Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit. The kind of honesty that shouts, that screams, "I LIVE FREE."

     In each persons life, this.... thing... this lifestyle... has the ability, the power to turn everything upside down. I believe that radical honesty means no longer covering up hidden struggles because of shame or fear of rejection. I believe radical honesty means speaking out about sin, claiming its wrongness in my life, and thus letting light into a dark place. You can shine a light into darkness, but it is impossible to shine darkness into light. After letting light into a dark and ugly place in your heart, in your soul, in your past, or anywhere, darkness no longer has control. And really truly. Really really truly. Light is so much better than darkness. 

     Confession time... in some odd sort of way... I am afraid of the dark. Not in the sort of way that I need a night light.. (although I did use a night light for a very very long time,) but in the sort of manner that leaves me tense and fearful, it makes me afraid to make noise, it makes me afraid of noises. Darkness makes my mind move at a hundred miles per hour, it paralyzes me. I think that's what dishonesty does too. Suddenly, when I'm walking in dishonesty or bondage, I must watch my steps, the things I say. I live in a constant fear that somebody who does know will tell somebody who doesn't know and blabbidy blabbidy blah. you know the drill. or it could be covering something up that I don't want my parents to know about. Dishonesty. Lying. Sin. it paralyzes us. And personally, keeping things hidden way deep down paralyzes me. It doesn't even have to be a sin. Sometimes its an emotion. Sometimes its a fear. Sometimes its a joy. And maybe... maybe that's just a personal conviction... but I really think that radical honesty changes things. 

      Don't get me wrong... sometimes... its really NOT fun. Recently, I had to be blatantly honest with a friend about something wayyy deep down inside my heart. and quite frankly, it was kind of awful. My soul was laid bare in a way that made me uncomfortable in the acutest sense. and it probably changed our relationship for good in a way that I don't like a whole lot. But you know what came with it? Liberation. Freedom. Peace. and it. was. good. not even like... "yeah, that was good... whatever." but, the pure kind of good. and I knew inside, that Jesus was all over, around, and in it. Jesus, by the power of his Spirit gave me the strength to be radically honest about something I didn't want to be honest about. and then gave me peace and joy despite the circumstance. 

Here'es what I am NOT saying you should do:

1. Go blab all of your friend's secrets because that's being honest.

-NO. that's not being honest, that's gossiping. you don't get to choose what your friends are honest about, you only get to choose for YOURSELF.

 2. You should tell everyone you don't like everything you don't like about them for the sake of  honesty.

-Also NOT okay. you may call it honesty, but in the end its just mean and hurtful and won't get you in any sort of positive direction. we are called to speak things that are edifying and good, for building up, not tearing down.

One of my favorite people in the history of forever, is Corrie Ten Boom. If you havn't read her book, The Hiding Place, you probably should.. ( I definitely cried all the way through it, because it was just so rich.)

In the book, she and her family hid Jews in their homes during the Nazi occupation of Holland.

 They lied  a lot. 

That's something I wrestle with... lying to protect others who are innocent, in times of war and that sort of thing.... Anyways... she had one sister... whose name was Nollie I believe, and Nollie refused to lie. One day, the Nazi's burst into Nollie's house where she was with a blond (and not very Jewish looking) Jewish woman. When the Nazi's asked Nollie if the woman was a jew, she promptly replied with a yes when it would have been so easy to lie and get away with it. The Nazi's took them both. Later, when Nollie was released from jail, she contacted her family and said something along the following lines about the Jewish woman, "The Lord will not allow her to come to harm because of my honesty."

 Shortly after, the Jewish woman was miraculously released. 

That's a true story.

I want to live radically honest. And although claiming that now is kind of terrifying, I know, in my heart of hearts, that it will be better. and better than that it will be the best thing. I will mess up, and I will fail. but my heavenly Father is FULL of grace. He IS grace.

I want to honor God with my life. 

I desire to be liberated. 

Through His cross, He made the way to freedom. 

Why on earth, would I ever NOT choose that freedom. 

How could I not?

Radical Honesty. 

Freedom. 

Rawness.

Liberation.

A captive set free. 

Isiah 42:6-7

“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness;
    I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
    to be a covenant for the people
    and a light for the Gentiles,
⁷ to open eyes that are blind,
    to free captives from prison
    and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.