Wonder.

I like going places alone.
Well, kind of alone. Alone in that I am unaccompanied by physical persons.

But Jesus, He always goes with me.
Sometimes we walk on bridges or sit on benches.
Sometimes I eat food or get a milkshake and He comes along.

Tonight was one of such outings. I rarely mind that I am unaccompanied in a way that people visually see. In all honesty, it kind of fills me with a sense of confidence.

But there's something I see on my walks with the Lord that jolts me out of that peaceful quiet of loneness.

It is the grasping of hands.

Walking on a bridge at dusk, handholding couples are about in plenty. And in those moments, seeing that symbol of togetherness, my heart pangs in wonderment of what it must be like to be somebody's person, to get them and have them get you. To, as Winnie the Pooh and Piglet have so graciously taught us (not that their relationship was romantic), grasp another's fingers simply "to be sure of them."

It's not usually, "God I wish..."
Or even, "God, why not?"

It is most often,

"God, I wonder..."

Sitting here at my desk, I am convinced that there is nothing better than to wonder with an open heart.
A heart harboring no malice or resentment, merely curiosity.

My pastor once said to me:
     
              "Replace doubt and fear with awe and wonder.
                Awe and wonder what God will do."

While in most areas of my life, I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet, I'm slowly learning to wonder. To wonder at the beauty of relationship, but also the beauty of my own freedom. To wonder where I will go and what I will do.

Wondering at one's life when placed in the hands of the Almighty God is, I believe, one of the greatest challenges that we fully surrendered followers of Jesus will face. When we relinquish control of our souls to His perfect will, we so relinquish control of our futures, careers, and relationships (not that we were very good at taking care of them in the first place...)

And some days, it's a struggle to remember that the BEST He has for us is better than our own plans could ever be.

Actually MOST days that is the struggle.

But I believe in my heart of hearts, that as we draw closer and closer to Jesus, putting aside those things which so easily come before Him, His Holy Spirit places dreams in our hearts. As we receive His love and love Him in return, He weaves His will alongside ours in the most intricate and beautiful pattern. Sometimes, our humanness that is oh-so contrary to the holiness of God, creates a bunch of thread that is all mixed up and knotted. In such times, God, in His manner of transforming and leading us on towards that holiness, untangles those bunches of thread and continues on. It is painful to have pieces of yourself so pulled apart, but it is always, always worth it.

Replace doubt and fear with awe and wonder.
Walk in expectation.
Live not in the past or future, but in this moment.

For Neverland

Tech week is long and grueling. 

Hours standing, hours waiting. 

The lights that need to be adjusted. The sets that just won't get where they need to be. 

Tech week is also my favorite.

(after actually performing that is)

It's where the magic begins.

It's where all these little quirks about the show begin to develop 

and the closest bonds between people begin to form. 

What I like about theatre is the fluidity and continuity. 

Unlike a movie that is shot out of order and then edited for months before it can be viewed,

 stage actors tell a story to your face. 

It adds a sense of urgency, a need to get it right and to give every audience a good show. 

In theatre, we give you a frame. 

The stage. 

You see everything on the stage, but there is more that you don't see and that is everything outside of the frame. 

You don't see the lost boys/girls offstage doing a dance to "shake off the girl" and get into character right before Act 2. 

You also don't see us grasping hands and praying right before we run on stage. 

You don't see Tom, down in the pit, literally blowing the smoke from the fog machine out of the mushroom. 

You don't see the pirates nicely handing the lost boys their gags and hand ties right before they lead us away captive. 

Before the nursery scene you don't see fifteen sweaty bodies piled on top of each other behind the Darling window. 

You don't see the stage manager calling the shots or the guys pulling the ropes to fly Peter, Wendy, Michael and John. 

You don't see us running offstage and guzzling down water bottles or any of the quick changes.

You don't see us warming up and having dance parties to Uptown Funk. 

There's a lot more you don't see, but I can't give away all our secrets. 

The night of the very first Peter Pan performance, when I arrived home, I got out of my car and stared up at the sky. As I looked up at the stars in that vast expanse I felt as if my heart might burst. Thankfulness, awe, and wonder that I was getting to do the thing that I love doing the very most. 

The Neverland state of mind is believing that adventures are waiting around every corner and that fun is the most important. Somehow staring up at the night sky helped me to believe that. 

Adventures are waiting around every corner and fun is important. 

While I waited for my car lights to turn off (it takes sixty seconds - weird I know) I was thanking God that not only did he put this desire to perform and entertain inside of me, but that he was letting me do it. That He didn't put it there for nothing, but with a purpose. He gives gifts to be used. 

Then, directly after my car lights turned off, the biggest fattest shooting star went rolling across the sky. It didn't shoot. It rolled and dragged it's gleaming golden tail all the way across and I watched it the whole way. 

I cried a little because I'm emotional like that and I knew God put it there for me. 

Neverland is not just a nice place we pretended about for a few months while we rehearsed for a show. Neverland is a place we keep in our hearts always- even as we inevitably grow old. It is the place that takes joy in the smallest occurrences, the place we belly laugh from about nothing in particular, and the place we hope for almost impossible things from. Neverland, is the part of our hearts that longs for adventure and fun. 

While we are "leaving Neverland" we never have to fully leave. 

We keep looking for adventure, for good friends that are more like family, and for a life.... lived fully. 

So I made this video. 

For the memories. 

For the cast and crew that is so in my heart. 

And for Neverland. 

No Family Like a Show Family from Lauren Hofer on Vimeo.

Just In Case.

On Good Friday, the Lord told me to write this letter to someone. I didn't know who it was for and I didn't end up giving it to anyone because I lost it. Days later I found it and read it over to myself. I realized that it was a culmination of all the things God has been teaching me in the past year or so. I've been reading it to myself at night before bed to remember. I'm so forgetful.

I share it here, in case someone else needs to remember too.


To you.

There is nothing you can do that would make the Father love you more than He does now and always has. Your Creator takes the utmost delight in you simply because you are His creation. He has seen you at your very worst when you blatantly chose sin as well as when you quietly succumbed to it, and still He went to the cross for you. For the love of you. While we were still sinners Christ died for us.

So let Him be your sufficiency as you strive to walk in grace and truth. May you be ever weak so that He might be ever strong and show His power through you. If you must be desperate, then be desperate, but only for Him, for His healing, and for His truth. He gives rest to His children. Rest in the knowledge that He alone is your victory. What Jesus did on the cross paid for victory from every bondage. So press on in hope. Hope. Always have hope. May it be your anchor in the troubled seas of this life. May hope hold you firm when all seems lost. Hope in the knowledge that God is always good, that He is always present with you, and that because of those two things you never have to be afraid.
 
                                                                       
                                                                                           Blessings to you this day.
     

I Don't Have Enough

The goal was to slay this semester.

Literally.

Slay it.

Slay it by accomplishing the whole plethora of commitments that I had enlisted myself in.

I was going to be so on top of school.
Read every single chapter of every single book and really learn.

I was going to be disciplined and save money to travel by packing lunches and not eating out.

I was going to have the Peter Pan script memorized so long ago and be completely prepared for every rehearsal.

Add to those a twenty-six hour work week, a few friends, some other time commitments, and a bunch of dreams about being a writer, story teller, and creative.

For the sake of brevity, I'll fast forward 2.5 months to the middle of march. What passed was a miserable case of tonsillitis, a missed week of work and rehearsal, two rounds of antibiotics, one foul tasting apple cider vinegar concoction, one four months passed expiration drivers license, one missed fafsa form, one crying meltdown, a few other calamities that I won't mention, and.... oh yeah.. turns out the tonsillitis was a result of mono, which I managed to get without kissing anyone. Go figure.

As a result of that marvelous viral infection, I was told by a very wise person in the medical profession that I ought to be in bed for four hours during the day as not to relapse before the show (which opens in less than a month).

Considering that most of my other "slay the semester goals" have already gone to the goal junk yard - the place where all good and bad goals go to die - the few that I was holding onto involved throwing myself at life with all the energy I didn't have.

So. in essence. I have not slayed this semester.

My friend Haven is really into fitness... I shouldn't say really into.
My friend Haven is pursuing fitness and doing so well. She does competitions and she places. There's a whole shelf in her room filled with these muscular lady trophies.

She told me once that during her work outs lately she had been just saying, "Lord, Lord, Lord," to get her through, because they were hard.

A few weeks ago, while drinking latte's with my friend in the early morning, I said to her:

"Where we end is where He begins."

It's slightly ironic and comical to me because I spoke words I hadn't understood.

The more my goals have slipped out of my grasp, the sweeter Jesus has become, and the more sure of Him I have been.
The sicker I have felt, the more I have had to rely in faith on the hope that He is my healer.
It does not mean that healing will come when I wish it, but that it will come.
And until it does, the Lord Jesus will be enough.

I have been prayed over by my community, and reminded that rest is and was God ordained.

So when I'm at rehearsal, being a lost boy, attempting to have all the energy that a preadolescent boy has, and I just. don't. have it. would I say, "Lord, Lord, Lord," and rely on His Sufficiency.

Would my best plans fail as I grow in dependency and remember that where I end, is where He begins, and that when I have the least to give, my Lord Jesus has the most.



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Sometimes, I am apprehensive to share because I know there are people facing life threatening situations, and what are my petty problems compared to those. I'm thankful that Jesus doesn't tell us our struggles are insignificant, and that He grows us in every hard situation, whether it is a little hard, or a lot hard.