This place I am in is confusing.
It is the place stuck between intense passion and lack of direction and focus.
It is the wanting to do something big, yet not knowing what to do.
It is the feeling that my life has the potential to mean something, to have great purpose,
and yet the knowledge of how to get there escapes me.
Passion without movement is waisted.
Intense feeling without direction and follow through does nothing.
I like feeling.
I like the ache in my heart that wills me to act,
but if I do not act, then the feeling is for naught, and it would have been better to never have felt at all.
Sometimes I think I could spend my life chasing feeling, and missing movement.
I could waist my one precious life.
So what do I do?
My dreams are like the clouds.
Floating.
Wafting.
Moving.
Drifting.
Indefinite.
Sometimes they stay and sometimes they go.
How do you grasp a cloud?
How do you make it solid?
How do you pull it from the sky to the earth below?
This place I am in is emotional.
It is the fear of failure.
It is the desire to be thought well of.
It is the constant need to have it together.
It is the constant knowledge that I never have it together.
It is the intense love of people who have a tendency to come and go.
It is the overwhelming reality of having so many people to love, and not enough time to really love them all well.
It is the confusion about God's character.
It is the hard truth that my spiritual gift is not faith.
Sometimes I struggle to believe that God is real.
In my heart of hearts, I know Jesus.
And yet I question.
I could be sick about it.
I could be sick that I have seen Him so tangibly in my life and yet I question.
This place I am in is filled with tension.
The tension between wanting independence, yet still relying heavily upon my parents.
The tension of being so angry at injustice, but not knowing how to fight it.
The tension of having so much wealth, but wanting to live like Jesus.
Of partially wanting to give it away, but selfishly being incapable of doing so.
Is it selfish?
Is if just America?
Are we exempt from "go sell all you have and follow me?"
Is that just for certain people?
I am confused.
The tension of wanting to tell everyone that Jesus is THE WAY, but not wanting to seem religious or pushy. Because, after all, we're just supposed to love, right?
The tension of wanting to chase after my very cloud-like dreams, and yet wanting to enter into marriage. to be a helpmate. to be the wife of a man who follows the Lord. to be a kick-ass mom who raises kids who know their identity in Christ.
The list of tensions goes on.
Tensions are funny because they make you feel as if there are two ropes tide to your wrists pulling you in different directions.
Some days I love this place I am in.
Other days I do not.
but it is the place I am.
It is my life, and living with purpose is here.
It is not for the future. It is for now.
It is the purposeful seeking the face of the Lord.
It is the purposeful loving of people.
It is the purposeful speaking of truth. no matter how hard it is.
It is saying yes when the Lord calls me, and saying no to my flesh.
It is moving forward.
It is not looking back.
It is hoping
and waiting
and moving
and changing
It is always being satisfied in the Lord, and yet never complacent in my relationship with Him.
It is combing through His Word and hiding it's words in the secret places of my heart.
I was created by Him.
I was created through Him.
I was created for Him.
He is my purpose in this place that I am in.
and I count it all joy,
to struggle and wrestle through the tensions
to delight and wonder at His goodness
and to never know what grand things will happen when I say yes to Jesus.
