To Believe in Darkness.

For the past two days. I have been for brief periods of time experiencing feelings of hopeless, depressive anxiety. I would liken it to being emotionally and spiritually stuck in a room with only a TV and no hope of over escaping.

It's awful and completely foreign to anything I have ever experienced.

On three separate occasions in the past few weeks, I have read or heard a certain phrase, almost the same exact phrase, but in three different places. One was in one of those cute proposal videos online, another was in an autobiography called "Kisses from Katie (READ IT) and another was in my favorite fictional book series: The Mark of the Lion.

It is as follows.

To believe in the darkness what she once knew in the light. 

Each time I read it, the words gripped me and resonated in the deep places of my heart.

Another version I heard was along the lines of,

To believe in darkness what we were promised in the light.

I felt like God was asking me, telling me,
"Will you believe in the darkness what you once knew in the light?"

I remember one very dark night taking a trash can to the end of my long driveway. I used to be petrified of the dark in a numbing and paralyzing sort of way. As I was walking through that darkness of which I used to be so afraid, the Holy Spirit said, in His still silent voice of peace,

"you will go into darker places than this."

I know that His purposes and plans are for good.

I don't know what the darkness before me is, nor do I wish to imagine frightening scenarios in which my life falls apart or I am subject persecution or hardship.

but these past few days, I have had a teeny tiny taste of the darkness of the human condition, and in those moments of seemingly senseless anxiety and hopelessness, choosing to believe the truth of Jesus that I have claimed and abided in while in the light--that was hard.

Psalm 107: 14
He brought them out of darkness
and the shadow of death
And broke their chains in pieces.

I serve a God who breaks chains in pieces and who brings His children out of darkness.

Each day (the whole whopping two of them) that I have struggled against myself, I have gone to scripture. I have sat and breathed slowly asking for peace with each intake of air. I have written out the confusion and myriad of things in my heart. I have asked the Lord to save now.

and He has. He has breathed peace over me and used me when I had nothing and showed me His Presence in tangible ways.


Each day I have been left in awe of Him and His trueness.
He's true.
He's just so true.

This Place I Am In

This place I am in is confusing. 

It is the place stuck between intense passion and lack of direction and focus.

It is the wanting to do something big, yet not knowing what to do.

It is the feeling that my life has the potential to mean something, to have great purpose,

and yet the knowledge of how to get there escapes me.

Passion without movement is waisted.

Intense feeling without direction and follow through does nothing.

I like feeling.

I like the ache in my heart that wills me to act,

but if I do not act, then the feeling is for naught, and it would have been better to never have felt at all.

Sometimes I think I could spend my life chasing feeling, and missing movement.

I could waist my one precious life.

So what do I do?

My dreams are like the clouds.

Floating.

Wafting.

Moving.

Drifting.

Indefinite.

Sometimes they stay and sometimes they go.

How do you grasp a cloud?

How do you make it solid?

How do you pull it from the sky to the earth below?

This place I am in is emotional. 

It is the fear of failure.

It is the desire to be thought well of.

It is the constant need to have it together.

It is the constant knowledge that I never have it together.

It is the intense love of people who have a tendency to come and go.

It is the overwhelming reality of having so many people to love, and not enough time to really love them all well.

It is the confusion about God's character.

It is the hard truth that my spiritual gift is not faith.

Sometimes I struggle to believe that God is real.

In my heart of hearts, I know Jesus.

And yet I question.

I could be sick about it.

I could be sick that I have seen Him so tangibly in my life and yet I question.

This place I am in is filled with tension. 

The tension between wanting independence, yet still relying heavily upon my parents.

The tension of being so angry at injustice, but not knowing how to fight it.

The tension of having so much wealth, but wanting to live like Jesus.

Of partially wanting to give it away, but selfishly being incapable of doing so.

Is it selfish?

Is if just America?

Are we exempt from "go sell all you have and follow me?"

Is that just for certain people?

I am confused.

The tension of wanting to tell everyone that Jesus is THE WAY, but not wanting to seem religious or pushy. Because, after all, we're just supposed to love, right?

The tension of wanting to chase after my very cloud-like dreams, and yet wanting to enter into marriage. to be a helpmate. to be the wife of a man who follows the Lord. to be a kick-ass mom who raises kids who know their identity in Christ.

The list of tensions goes on.

Tensions are funny because they make you feel as if there are two ropes tide to your wrists pulling you in different directions.

Some days I love this place I am in.

Other days I do not.

but it is the place I am.

It is my life, and living with purpose is here.

It is not for the future. It is for now.

It is the purposeful seeking the face of the Lord.

It is the purposeful loving of people.

It is the purposeful speaking of truth. no matter how hard it is.

It is saying yes when the Lord calls me, and saying no to my flesh.

It is moving forward.

It is not looking back.

It is hoping

and waiting

and moving

and changing

It is always being satisfied in the Lord, and yet never complacent in my relationship with Him.

It is combing through His Word and hiding it's words in the secret places of my heart.

I was created by Him.

I was created through Him.

I was created for Him.

He is my purpose in this place that I am in.

and I count it all joy,

to struggle and wrestle through the tensions

to delight and wonder at His goodness

and to never know what grand things will happen when I say yes to Jesus.

Flickering Lights

I love lights.

I used to be really scared of walking in the dark at night....
so I started forcing myself to do so..
as a result my fear became less intense, but I would still much rather have a light.

I was in Disneyland last week.
Disneyland is the best at night.
The lights make it ethereal.
It's magical in the day time...
but it's even more magical at night.

Tonight I was driving home and like I sometimes do,
I took the long way.
and on the long way, I kept seeing flickering lights.

One of the lights on a bank building was going on and off.
A lighted sign couldn't decide whether it wanted to be bright or dark.

Flickering lights are uncanny.
Lights are not usually supposed to flicker.
It usually means that the power source is lacking.
Or that there is a shortage in the wiring.

Jesus said that we are supposed to be light in this world.
He said that we are supposed to shine like stars.

Seeing all those flickering lights made me ask myself what kind of light I am.
and in what way I shine.

I want to be a light that shines bright always.
I want to be a light that brings stability and hope into darkness.
I want to be a light that does not shy away from darkness, but approaches it boldly,
knowing that I am Jesus' plan.

WE are Jesus plan to displace the darkness in this world.
WE carry His light within us.
and WE get to choose whether we flicker on and off, or remain steadily displaying the light of truth.

That's amazing.

Sin Is Like Sugar

My stomach is a bubbling mess at this moment and it is irritatingly uncomfortable. 

It's also the result of poor diet choices over the past few days. 

Kind of like when I make wrong choices, and despite how good it feels (and how good sugar tastes) 

I am miserable. Sin makes my soul sick like sugar makes my body sick. 

Sugar is addicting. Its sweet in my mouth. On my tongue. 

and the more I have it, the more I crave it. 

I am wretched at moderation. 

Sin is addicting. The more I give into it, the more it takes over me. 

The more I commit it, the more I don't see anything wrong with it. 

With sin there should be no moderation. 

So what do I do?

I meal plan and I rely on God's strength and not my own. 

I tell myself what I am going to eat and what I am not. 

I commit in my mind and heart to sin no more. 

I understand that I am weak on my own strength and that I will give into the lust of my flesh. 

I understand that God is full of grace. 

I understand that I can do all things by Christ who gives me strength, and that includes saying no to my compulsive eating habits and sin. 

I also understand that when I do mess up, the guilt and shame I feel is NOT from the Father. 

The Lord does not deal in guilt and shame. 

His language is love. His gospel is peace. 

He convicts with a call to live higher. 

Not a threat to be sent lower. 

He lifts up and builds up. 

Glory be. 

p.s. sugar isn't sin. This is a comparison that has helped me on my food and life journeyings lately. 

...But Me She Forgot

It was during a time of worship and I just "wasn't feeling it." 

I didn't want to be there, and I wasn't feeling like God was very close to me at the moment. 

It was like I was forgetting everything He has done in my life, why He is SO worthy of praise and adoration. 

That sort of thing happens to me on occasion, and I find it frustrating and discouraging. 

So I asked God why. 

And He gave me this picture. 

I was entering His throne room in a glorious heavenly palace. Everything was white and pure and golden and filled with a sort of ethereal light. He was sitting on His throne and although I couldn't see Him, I knew His presence was there. 

And then I saw myself. 

Wearing filthy, brown and torn rags, my body covered in boils, I was grotesque and I was dirty. 

My hair was in stringy and knotted. 

My face contorted into the vision of pain. 

As I saw myself, the sense came over me that I was a prostitute. 

The filth was physical picture of a spiritual state. 

A wretchedness that could not be wiped away with soap. 

As I came before the Presence of the Lord, I fell to my knees, for in His perfect and Holy Presence, one so grotesque as I could not be. 

What right did I have to go before Him and beg for mercy?

But then Jesus came.

 He, with grace and love and compassion, exchanged my filthy rags for a garment of white. 

He healed the boils on my body.

 He made my face and hair shine. 

I was NEW. 

I was PURE. 

Now I could stand before the Presence of my righteous Father. 

It's what happened next that broke my heart. 

I turned around and went back. 

I went back to my lovers. 

Jesus made me new, and I forgot Him.

 I forgot the loveliness of being in the Presence of the Lord. 

This is true of my life so much more often than I would like to admit. 

It's not that I don't want Him. I just want Him on my own time. When I am in the mood, or when I feel like it. 

As much as it breaks my heart to think about it  in this way. 

I wonder how much it breaks God's heart, when I choose things of this world over Him. 

The God who sent His only Son to die on the cross to pay the penalty for MY sin, is worthy of my ALL. He is great and awesome and mighty. He is loving and gracious and kind. So even when I don't "feel it," my heart's cry is that I would choose Him anyways. That I would choose Him always. 

I fail so many times. 

I forget and I mess up and I realize that I don't have it all together like I thought. 

I am so thankful for those times because they remind me of my desperate need of a Savior. 

Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. 

"... she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her other lovers, but me she forgot,' declares the Lord."

Hosea 2:13