Tired. Weary. Spiritually exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
and on some days struggling to remember in my heart why I chose Jesus.
I think maybe the wording of that sounds worse than it was.... but still...
so in my struggle, I prayed this:
"Create in me a pure heart O God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the JOY of YOUR salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I prayed this verse over and over and over. Sometimes... most of the time even... it didn't necessarily "connect" with or "vibrate" in my soul. Most of the time when I was praying it I didn't feel very much. but I knew it was truth. I knew it was what I needed.
Purity of heart.
A steadfast spirit.
To be kept in the presence of the Lord.
I think part of me lived in fear that if I didn't do everything right, the Lord would take His Holy Spirit from me.
Having the JOY of His salvation RESTORED.
and being given a WILLING spirit to sustain me.
I think those things are some of the basic building blocks of spiritual health. and they were the things that I so strongly felt I was LACKING. I wasn't even sure what having the joy of His salvation restored would look like. but I prayed it. and I don't remember a time.. a day.. or even a week.. but suddenly it was there. A thankfulness. exuberance. peacefulness. and joyfulness. The cross suddenly became so dear to my heart. Jesus' sacrifice. that He was and is my SAVIOR. words that had seemed to lose their effect seemed to grip my heart with awe and wonder. my Jesus. my Savior. my delight. The realization that my life is ALL for the glory of God who is and always will be the King of my heart. And the Holy Spirit began to speak to me in crazy ways that I had not experienced. I felt that God had been refining me. Scraping the yuck and residue off of the insides of my heart so that I could be NEW.
Maybe right now you're wondering why I wrote all of that in the past tense... like it isn't still happening.. I'll tell you.
PRIDE.
ugly. viscous. deceitful. detestable. pride.
oh, how I hate it.
I know the enemy is speaking lies to me, he wants to see my failure.
and so I struggle.
I struggle against thinking that I love Jesus "better" than other people.
I struggle against thinking that I have it all together and everybody loves ME a lot.
even thinking those makes me sick to my stomach and writing them where people can read makes me disgusted and want to vomit. but its real. and I think those things.. despite how much I hate them.
because the reality is that my heart without Jesus is black
without Him, I am a bad friend and bad daughter, who thinks she's better than other people.
I was discussing morals with a friend one day by a river and in minor disagreements I found myself getting frustrated... not even with her... just the differences. After getting up to leave. We went and stood in the river, held hands, and prayed. and something she said that has stayed with me is that whatever our differences were, we were both washed clean by the blood of Jesus.
WASHED so clean by the blood of Jesus.
It is the blood of Jesus that washes me clean. The good in me is HIM.
He is ALL good.
His grace is sufficient for me,
For His power is made perfect in weakness.
and I want to spend every day, for all of my days, humbled at the foot of HIS cross.
where He payed the price for my heart's rebellion against Him.
Who does that?
Jesus Christ.
Son of the Living God.
Powerful enough to create the world.
Strong enough to conquer death.
The winner of the battle.
Our strength as an army, as the body of Christ,
is in the fact that we are surrendered to the winner.
He already did it.
