It was during a time of worship and I just "wasn't feeling it."
I didn't want to be there, and I wasn't feeling like God was very close to me at the moment.
It was like I was forgetting everything He has done in my life, why He is SO worthy of praise and adoration.
That sort of thing happens to me on occasion, and I find it frustrating and discouraging.
So I asked God why.
And He gave me this picture.
I was entering His throne room in a glorious heavenly palace. Everything was white and pure and golden and filled with a sort of ethereal light. He was sitting on His throne and although I couldn't see Him, I knew His presence was there.
And then I saw myself.
Wearing filthy, brown and torn rags, my body covered in boils, I was grotesque and I was dirty.
My hair was in stringy and knotted.
My face contorted into the vision of pain.
As I saw myself, the sense came over me that I was a prostitute.
The filth was physical picture of a spiritual state.
A wretchedness that could not be wiped away with soap.
As I came before the Presence of the Lord, I fell to my knees, for in His perfect and Holy Presence, one so grotesque as I could not be.
What right did I have to go before Him and beg for mercy?
But then Jesus came.
He, with grace and love and compassion, exchanged my filthy rags for a garment of white.
He healed the boils on my body.
He made my face and hair shine.
I was NEW.
I was PURE.
Now I could stand before the Presence of my righteous Father.
It's what happened next that broke my heart.
I turned around and went back.
I went back to my lovers.
Jesus made me new, and I forgot Him.
I forgot the loveliness of being in the Presence of the Lord.
This is true of my life so much more often than I would like to admit.
It's not that I don't want Him. I just want Him on my own time. When I am in the mood, or when I feel like it.
As much as it breaks my heart to think about it in this way.
I wonder how much it breaks God's heart, when I choose things of this world over Him.
The God who sent His only Son to die on the cross to pay the penalty for MY sin, is worthy of my ALL. He is great and awesome and mighty. He is loving and gracious and kind. So even when I don't "feel it," my heart's cry is that I would choose Him anyways. That I would choose Him always.
I fail so many times.
I forget and I mess up and I realize that I don't have it all together like I thought.
I am so thankful for those times because they remind me of my desperate need of a Savior.
Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy.
"... she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her other lovers, but me she forgot,' declares the Lord."
Hosea 2:13
