To Believe in Darkness.

For the past two days. I have been for brief periods of time experiencing feelings of hopeless, depressive anxiety. I would liken it to being emotionally and spiritually stuck in a room with only a TV and no hope of over escaping.

It's awful and completely foreign to anything I have ever experienced.

On three separate occasions in the past few weeks, I have read or heard a certain phrase, almost the same exact phrase, but in three different places. One was in one of those cute proposal videos online, another was in an autobiography called "Kisses from Katie (READ IT) and another was in my favorite fictional book series: The Mark of the Lion.

It is as follows.

To believe in the darkness what she once knew in the light. 

Each time I read it, the words gripped me and resonated in the deep places of my heart.

Another version I heard was along the lines of,

To believe in darkness what we were promised in the light.

I felt like God was asking me, telling me,
"Will you believe in the darkness what you once knew in the light?"

I remember one very dark night taking a trash can to the end of my long driveway. I used to be petrified of the dark in a numbing and paralyzing sort of way. As I was walking through that darkness of which I used to be so afraid, the Holy Spirit said, in His still silent voice of peace,

"you will go into darker places than this."

I know that His purposes and plans are for good.

I don't know what the darkness before me is, nor do I wish to imagine frightening scenarios in which my life falls apart or I am subject persecution or hardship.

but these past few days, I have had a teeny tiny taste of the darkness of the human condition, and in those moments of seemingly senseless anxiety and hopelessness, choosing to believe the truth of Jesus that I have claimed and abided in while in the light--that was hard.

Psalm 107: 14
He brought them out of darkness
and the shadow of death
And broke their chains in pieces.

I serve a God who breaks chains in pieces and who brings His children out of darkness.

Each day (the whole whopping two of them) that I have struggled against myself, I have gone to scripture. I have sat and breathed slowly asking for peace with each intake of air. I have written out the confusion and myriad of things in my heart. I have asked the Lord to save now.

and He has. He has breathed peace over me and used me when I had nothing and showed me His Presence in tangible ways.


Each day I have been left in awe of Him and His trueness.
He's true.
He's just so true.