The mucky black hole.

All of my bloggings thus far (a whole whopping 2.. HA) have been excerpts from my journal... that way I can sit on them for a few days and not "blog in haste"..... please excuse my expressions..  so in light of that, please read the following.

DISCLAIMER: these are things I feel. and struggle with in my heart. I share them, so that others struggling might see the truth I see. I do not claim them to be absolute truth (absolute truth is found in the Bible), merely my heart towards them. they  may make no sense to you personally.. I don't really  mind. 

oh, and sometimes, I feel REALLY yucky inside... for no dumb reason.

Excerpt from Nov. 23:

oh golly. oh golly. oh golly. oh golly.

Truly I feel like that is all I can say. 

Truly inside of myself I FEEL like a selfish, stupid, and irritating small child.

Truly I want to be anywhere but where I am. There is such a torrent of ugly emotions coursing through me at this moment... 

Discontent,

 being the most prominent I think. 

4 Sentences..

In those four sentences, there were 8 pronouns referring to Lauren. 

Eight pronouns all saying, "woe is me."

Sometimes.. I am pathetic. 

Sitting in my room in the aftermath of my 18th birthday. 

Beautiful gifts. 

Thoughtful cards. 

Brand new clothes. 

And I have the gall to be discontent?

How dare I?

How dare I receive and not be utterly thankful. 

How dare I mope on my bed because I have no one to text and nothing to do. 

How dare I look through the fridge and think that there is nothing to eat, when there isn't a single space to fit MORE food. 

How dare I ask of God, receive abundantly from God, and not say that I have everything I need. 

It is epidemic. 

It is disgusting. 

And it is wrong. 

Sometimes, (and don't take this wrong)

I think that people who have incredibly LESS physical possessions than I do, but who have Jesus, are better off than I am. 

Because, I fully believe that they are richer in the kingdom of heaven. 

They trust God to provide, when for me, provision was never even a question.

Words like, persecution and starvation were always far away with no relevance to me. 

I didn't realize how capable I am of being starved myself. 

Of how capable I am of not realizing the true value of the kingdom of heaven and the worth of Jesus. 

and while living in that starvation of truth, losing life. 

Oh precious life. 

Because, I think.. when you realize Jesus,

when you realize the God of the Universe, 

when you realize the Holy Spirit, and even better, 

when you realize that you get to be on HIS team. 

the victorious team. 

I think that in light of that, contentment must follow. 

but sometimes its hard, 

one must CHOOSE either to walk in truth, or mope inside a self-dug hole of sticky, mucky, black, and almost inescapable discontent.

(which.. quite frankly, I have often chosen)

But how much better would it be, if we... if I, recognized my discontent at the moment of its conception.

Found its cause.

And silenced it. 

With a big hearty dose of'

"Jesus is God, and the King is on His throne."

but really. 

Discontent and self-pity, 

They are chains. 

Let's let Jesus throw them off of us. 

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Phil. 4:12

Jesus gave me this great day a few days after I originally wrote this. 

I wish I could share with you how great it was. 

I learned how to long board. 

He gives GOOD gifts. 

whether they be really big, or small inconsequential little joyous happenings, like this outing.