Just Look At Me

    Again, this is a journal entry from a few days ago that I thought I would share.
When I wrote it, I was sick, my physical pain was affecting my emotions and I was a mess.
and yes, I talk about emotions a lot. probably because I'm a girl... we seem to have a lot of those.

Journal entry from June 23:

I think that everyone has these moments. At least I hope I'm not the only one.
Those moments when the circumstance in my life seems too big and too unbearable.
overwhelming.
thinking about that now is funny to me because my life is so easy, but... I am a self proclaimed emotional teenage girl and so thus; these "emotional moments" as I deem them seem to come in spades.

God made me with emotions.
So I don't believe it is wrong to feel things like hurt and sadness.
The question that arises... in those moments and from them... is..
How do I deal with my emotion?

Yes. it's there.
but am I supposed to just leave it there?

sometimes I cry. sometimes I stare at the ceiling feeling hopeless and empty, sometimes I scream..
and yes, I scream those awful, vocal chord grinding screams that sicken the stomach. Those are often, sadly, my methods of choice for dealing with raw emotion.

I don't think.. in my heart.. that those methods would be my heavenly Father's chosen methods for me to deal with my emotion.

     Recently I watched the Jackie Robinson movie "42" (have I mentioned that I really like inspirational sports movies? because I do)  The movie revolves around the baseball career of the first African American man to play in the big leagues (forgive me sports enthusists if I get any facts wrong)  At one point during a baseball game, Jackie Robinson is up to bat, but the opposing teams manager is taunting him. Saying heinous and awful things, things that shouldn't be spoken or even thought, and after too long, even the usually thick skinned Jackie can't take it anymore. He's nearing a breaking point. The scene cuts to Jackie's wife sitting in the stands speaking quietly under her breath, 

        "Look at me baby, look at me."
Again she says it.
         "Look at me baby, just look at me."

   I think thats what Jesus says. In fact, I KNOW thats what He says because He has said it so many times to me.

         "Look at me Lauren. Take your eyes off your current circumstance and look at my eyes."

   Because for some reason, when I take my eyes off the situation before me that seems impossible, and place them of Jesus who is the King of overcoming the impossible, my situation gets smaller and Jesus gets bigger.

   In that moment, by the grace and strength of the Holy Spirit I have CHOSEN Jesus. Choosing Jesus is powerful because in choosing Him, we choose LIFE. and that allows Him to move in our lives. I mean... He'll move anyways, but its easier when our hearts aligns with His.  

    Jackie Robinson ran off the field. He screamed. He wept. He beat the walls around him with a baseball bat until it shattered, and yes, its just a movie, and who knows if anything like that even happened. but figuratively speaking, I wonder if Jackie HAD looked at his wife, and found solace, security, and strength in her eyes, would he have been able to continue without his emotion completely overtaking him....

I wonder.. if I looked at Jesus MORE.

would my "emotional moments" be less often, less painful, and less overwhelming.

I wonder.. if I looked af Jesus MORE, would my emotions become emotions that are FROM God.. filled by the Holy Spirit. 

How AMAZING would that be. 

I don't know...

but I do know.. 

that looking at Jesus is better. 

Its better than better. 

Its the BEST. 

and it gives life.